Something I Need
by MindlessStranger
Summary: Derek is the most terrifying attending at Seattle Grace Hospital and Meredith is a quiet, reserved intern. What happens when the paths cross between the two and he is reminded of someone from his past? Co-Written with Curly97 Rated T for mild language.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: We do no own anything, we don't own Meredith or Derek and we definitely don't own the show. **

* * *

**An; Hey guys! This is a new story that is co-written with a really good friend of mine, Curly97. We have different ways of writing and we are still working on coming together as one, so give us a few chapters to really get in sync with each other. We both came up with idea's and central plots but I really got to hand it to my amazing friend to come up with great ideas for this!**

** This is sort of a songfic but not completely. It was inspired by the song Something I Need (Hint the title) by OneRepublic. The song is amazing and recommend you go listen to it.**

**Now without further adieu, I give you the first chapter.**

* * *

I woke up one hour before my alarm should ring - I was so excited and also a little scared.  
Today was the day. I would start working as an intern at SGH.  
I could be proud of myself that I made it into this program if my stepfather, Richard Webber, wasn't the chief of surgery there.  
Anyone would think I got this job because of him and my mother.  
Yes, Ellis Grey is my mother. As a surgeon, she is infallible. As a mother she had failed completely though.  
When I was in med school I had tried to convince them that I could do my internship at another hospital, but Ellis didn't want to hear it.  
"I haven't brought you up to be an ordinary girl, who works at a second-rate hospital." She used to say. "When you're working at SGH, I can at least keep an eye on you, even if I'm not the chief of surgery. I have my ways, promise me. Richard will tell me everything." So the decision was set – I had to work there, even if I don't want to.  
Fortunately I didn't have to work at Mercy West – Where Ellis was the chief of surgery. My mother and I rarely get along - scratch that, never get along.  
How I am I going to survive this?

Luckily I was not alone.  
Two weeks ago, I moved with my best friend Cristina Yang from Boston to Seattle - She was my person.  
We knew each other since college. She was the only person who really knew me.

"Mer?" She knocked softly on my door.

Slowly I rolled out of bed and opened the door. It was so cold. "Did you have a nightmare?" She was always so worried about me.  
Most people thought that Cristina had no heart, but if I don't have her..Then my life would be sad, empty, dark. "Yes." I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest. "It was not as bad as usual."  
"I know you're lying." She shook her head and went into the kitchen.

We had rented a small apartment near the hospital - two rooms, living room, kitchen, bathroom. All we needed.

I looked at myself in the mirror in detail. No matter where I went, the glances of the men followed me always. That meant that I was pretty, right?  
'You're ugly. Nobody wants you ' An evil voice in my head told me.

"I'll go take a shower, okay?" I winced. Cristina was standing behind me.  
"Oh sorry. I thought that you would have heard me. "She looked at me apologetically.

I forced a smile. "No problem, I was thinking." I quickly turned from the mirror and reached for my phone.  
'Three unread messages'

Ellis:  
Meredith,  
You didn't call last night. I believe that you were parting with your stupid friends. If you start tomorrow to work, I expect nothing more than pure perfection.

'Partying?'  
No, my mother doesn't know me at all.  
I couldn't remember a single day on which I went to a party.  
Suddenly I saw him standing before me, his eyes dark. With shaking hands, I start to read the next message.

Ellis:  
Meredith,  
I would just like to remind you that you have to be on time tomorrow. Don't embarrass your stepfather.

Ellis:  
Meredith,  
I thought that you were at least two hours earlier than the others - but now I think it's the best, when I don't expect anything from you.

Tears burned in my eyes. No, I wouldn't start crying because of my mother.  
I lay back on my bed and buried my face in my pillow - as Cristina came into my room, it was already completely soaked - My eyes were red and swollen.

"What happened?" She sat down on the bed and gently stroked my blonde hair.

"My mother hates me." I sobbed. "No matter what I do, it is always wrong."

Cristina groaned. "Don't believe what the old witch says. She doesn't know you! Meredith, We'll kick ass!" She took my hand in hers. "We were the best in our class. Damn, we are even at least a year younger than all the other interns. Be happy, you made it! You have to forget your mother. Now get your ass out of bed, I don't want to be late." She smirked.

"What would I do without you?" I brushed my hair out of my face and showered. I had the feeling, that the warm water swept my worries and fears away – at least for this moment.

Half an hour later, Cristina and I stood outside the entrance of the hospital. The rain drops were hard - they felt almost like pinpricks. "If we ever get used to the rain?" Cristina asked annoyed.

"The rain is amazing." I tilted my face against the gray sky and closed my eyes. So no one could see my tears.  
"Fuck! I forgot something at home. " Cristina screamed.

"What?" I looked at her in surprise. Cristina never forgot something. "Hurry up. I'll wait here for you. "I offered.

"No, go inside. Here you'll probably catch a cold."  
"Whatever." With a shrug I entered the hospital  
Immediately I noticed the smell of disinfectant - I knew this all too well. I had spent my entire childhood in this fucking hospital.  
Because my mother had to work the entire time.

I looked at the floor when I took a few steps forward. So I didn't see the man, who was walking in my way. Coffee ran down our hands. I didn't feel the pain. He grabbed my arm firmly.  
"Damn It! Don't you have eyes in your head?" Two bright blue eyes stared angrily at me - I had the feeling that my words were stuck in my throat.  
I was not able to say a word so I did the thing I always did when I was nervous. I ran.

* * *

I woke up again, the thunderstorms always seem to wake me up. I've lived here a total of five years and I have yet to get use to all this rain. I groaned looking over at the clock, it was only 4:00am and I wasn't getting anymore sleep. I went to the bathroom and stepped out of the pants I wore to sleep in and tried turning on the shower- of course the damn shower wouldn't work in this trailer.

"Fuck," I groaned as I heard my phone ring. I went out of the room and looked around for the phone. I picked it up off the table and noticed the name on the phone, stopping to check the date. Today was the first day with the idiot interns at work.

The words 'Mom' pop up on the screen and I throw the phone back down, I am not in the mood to talk to her today. After it stopped ringing, a tone came across the signaled there was a voice mail so I listened to it.

"_Hello Derek, It's Mom. I probably shouldn't be calling this early but I know you will get the message when you wake up, please give me a call back. I'm very worried. I love you Derek." _

Then the messaged ended. I probably wasn't going to call her back because she would ask questions I didn't want to answer. I laid back down, I was hoping to get a little more sleep but that wasn't working out. I dozed on and off for the next two hours before I ended up getting up and grabbing some jeans and a shirt, putting them on.

My phone started ringing again so I grabbed it and let out a groan as I answered.

"What?" I say coldly.

"Well someone's grumpy," the female voice cheerfully.

"Well Addie, it's 6:00am and I got about three hours total of sleep, what do you want."

"I'll be there in twenty minutes to pick you up, be ready. Also I have to drop Grace off this morning because Mark went in sometime during the night. Be ready!"

"I can drive myself, it's fine," I say trying to search my small kitchen for something to eat.

"It's raining Derek, you can't drive," she answers back.

"I'm a grown man, I can drive in the rain. God I am so tired of people treating me like a child," I spat with anger.

"Well maybe if you wouldn't act like one-" she said under her breath, thinking I didn't hear her.

"Damn it Addison, enough," I was getting irritated – more than I already was.

"Whatever Derek, Stop complaining and I will be there fifteen minutes tops," she said and I just let out a sigh. She was going to push until I agreed so I just said fine and we hung up. I grabbed the box of cereal I found and went to the front porch of my trailer. I sat under the canopy and looked out into the Forrest. Fifteen minutes passes and Addison hadn't arrived. Another ten minutes past and I couldn't wait any longer. I was getting worried. I called and her phone went to voice-mail and the images of that night raced into my head.

"Stop it Derek," I cursed myself. I couldn't think like that, not now. I walked into my trailer and grabbed my car key's and hopped into my truck. I was running late so I sped up a bit and I heard my phone chime. I grabbed it and looked at the text message.

Addie:  
Sorry Derek! Grace threw a fit this morning and I meant to call you, Hope you are on your way and didn't worry. See ya when you get to work.

I threw the phone in the seat next to me. Damn it Addison, you had me worried. I quickly made my way to work and pared in my usual spot. I grabbed my phone and jacket and went inside. I quickly ran to my office and went in, changing into my navy scrubs and white coat. I shoved the pager into my coat pocket.

"Derek?" I heard a knock before my door opened and a tall, dark skinned man came into my office.

"Yeah Richard?" I asked and he came in, not moving far inside.

"Today the interns are here, I am about to go give my speech now. I need you to go easy this year, you made three interns leave the program last year," he mentioned. I didn't mean to scare them off but they should learn what it means to be strong. You can't be weak in this line of work.

"I understand, now if you excuse me, I have to go grab some coffee," I walked past him without even saying goodbye and hurried down to the first floor to the coffee cart. I reached into my pocket to grab my wallet and it wasn't there. Damn it, it was probably in the car.

"Sorry, My wallet is in the car, I'm gonna go grab it," I offered a smile at the lady and she nodded. I grabbed my cup and took a sip.

My phone buzzed and I took it out to read the text message and before I knew it, the coffee was all over me and whom ever I ran into. I grabbed her arm instinctively and shot my eyes at her, anger flared in them.

"Damn It! Don't you have eyes in your head?" I shot a look into her scared eyes. My gaze softened as she looked embarrassed then quickly took off.


	2. Chapter 2

I thought about going after her, but it was no use. I called someone from custodial to come clean it up and went to the car and got my wallet and came to pay the woman. I took another coffee and went to my office were a familiar face was waiting on me.

"What do you want Mark?" I opened the door to the office. I couldn't get my mind off that girl. I probably wouldn't see her again but why was she so dang familiar. She looked like someone, I couldn't put my finger on it. She kind of acted like, god why do I always compare people to her. I can never find anyone like her.

"Dude!" Mark yelled and I came out of my thoughts.

"What?" I snapped back at him.

"What the hell is your problem?" He said defensively.

"You're wife scared me half to death this morning and my mother won't stop calling. And it's raining!" I pulled the scrub shirt off and looked for another scrub top and pulled it on along with another white coat.

"What did Addison do? Look just calm down, I just came up here to tell you that it's your turn this year to run the first intern surgery and the list of interns is on your desk," He pointed to my desk.

"Time to take one intern out of the running possibly, great." I said with a scoff before walking to my desk. I picked up the list and Mark left the room.

'I probably pissed him off too. That's Great'

I rolled my eyes and scanned this list. One name came popping out at my face.

'_Meredith Grey'_

Why was that name so familiar? Then it hit me. Ellis Grey, that couldn't be her daughter. I thought for a second and I remember Richard and Ellis arguing about someone named Meredith joining the program. This is a great chance to see if she has talent like her mother. I'm brilliant! I put my pager and phone into my pocket and sipped on my coffee on the way to Richard's office.

* * *

What had I done! Why I had looked to the floor instead in front of me!  
'Something like that can only happen to you Meredith'

I should pray that I didn't have to work with this man, he was obviously an attending.  
He probably hated me now - The way he looked at me. Yes, he hated me. The angry expression on his face scared me to death - it had reminded me of him.  
'Stop!'

If this man with the beautiful blue eyes knew, who I was? Would he go to Richard and tell him what had happened this morning?  
"Richard!" I said out loud and just managed to sneak in, to hear his speech.  
'It's always the same, every year'

The thought of the man, who I had knocked out, didn't go out of my head.  
I could feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I forgot, how to breathe.  
'Calm down Mer, everything will be fine. Angry man doesn't know that you're an intern'

Everything in me screamed that I should turn around quickly, to run home. Who knew which stupid things I would do today?  
I'd never be a good doctor. I'd always stand in the shadow of my mother. Meredith, run, run!  
If Ellis had known what happened, she would kill me. For her, it was important to be in a good light. It couldn't happen, that her daughter embarrassed her or her husband - I hated my life.  
'Worse day'

With cautious steps I went into the locker room - no one seemed to notice me, which I welcomed at this moment.  
It was loud, lots of people were standing around me and talked.  
My heart was beating wildly in my chest. Did they know that I was the stepdaughter of the Chief? When they heard my last name, it was all over.

I tried to cut out the people around me. Since that night, I couldn't bear so much people around me - it always reminded me of him.

"So, I'm back." Cristina gasped and opened her locker. "Why haven't you changed yet? Has something happened?" She looked me up and down.

"No, no. I'm fine. What should have happened? Really, I'm fine. "I laughed nervously.

She raised an eyebrow. "Is it because of the nightmare last night?"

I quickly shook my head. "No. Ok, I've been thinking about the nightmare, but it is not. Of course it is not. I mean, we're starting today and..Ellis expects a d I..I've made a big mistake. I'm sure, I will immediately fly out of this program..So I don't get the chance to prove that I'm good. Not as good as Ellis, but...I'm not a bad person, Cristina." My whole body was shaking as the words just flowed out of my mouth.

"Of course you're not a bad person! We'll talk about it later. I think we should change."  
I nodded.  
It was amazing to wear the light blue scrubs. It gave me the feeling, that I was important  
'_Dr. Meredith Grey_'  
Yeah, that sounded good.

Suddenly, there was a brown haired guy standing in front of us. He held out his hand - I didn't know him. Why should I shook his hand? Nevertheless, I took it. "Hello. I'm George, George O'Malley. I haven't seen you yesterday at the mixer. "He smiled kindly at me.  
He probably thought that I was a nerd who just sat at home and was studying. In any case, he didn't seem to know that I was the daughter of Ellis Grey.

"Um..I'm Meredith..Just Meredith." I wanted to return his smile, but I couldn't.  
I was only for half an hour at the mixer - Ellis had asked me to. Otherwise I wouldn't have gone.  
Since that day I hated parties. But Ellis was adamant that I had to go, even when I told her that I wasn't feeling well.  
"You have to show up there. After all, you're Richards stepdaughter. And don't dress like a slut. Do you understand me? "  
Cristina remained a little longer. She insisted to go home with me, I wanted that she had fun, though.  
A little bit of time for myself would be good, I told her.

Cristina intervened. "You see that girl there?" She pointed pejoratively with her index finger on a blonde beauty. She could well pass as Barbie.  
"Surely it is the model." I said.

Like a grace she walked towards us. "Hi, my name is Isobel Stevens, but everyone calls me Izzie." We shook hands.

"Which resident are you assigned to?" George wanted to know.

"Bailey." Cristina, Izzie and I said simultaneously.

He laughed. "The Nazi? Me too "

"At least we'll be tortured together." Said Cristina.  
She probably thought about the good surgeries on which she could assist - The Heart - thoracic surgery was her dream, and she worked really hard for it.

"Bailey?" Izzie asked a man who walked past us.

He pointed behind him. "End of the hall."

The other three laughed, but they didn't know Miranda Bailey. Even though she was a short woman, she had many ways to make our lives like hell. When I was at home, Richard talked a lot about her. He thought that she had what it takes to get his position one day – Would she treat me like crap?

She looked briefly at us with her brown eyes before she began to speak and motioned us to follow her. "I have five rules. Memorize them. Rule number one: Do not bother sucking up. I hate you. That's not gonna change. Trauma protocol, phone list, pagers, nurses will page you. You will answer every page at a run. A run! That's rule number two. Your first shift starts now and lasts 48 hours. You're interns, grunts, nobodies, bottom of the surgical food chain," She spoke as she began to walk and we all grabbed the pagers before running to catch up with her.

"You run labs, write orders, work every second night until you drop, and do not complain. On-call rooms. Attendings hog them. Sleep when you finish where you can can, Which brings me to rule number three. If I'm sleeping, do not wake me Unless your patient is dying."

'No problem with that,' I thought to myself.

Rule four: The dying patient better not be dead when i get there. Not only will you have killed someone, you woke me for no reason. We clear?" She said in a basic yell. Everyone nodded along.

What was that for a hospital? If everyone here was so rude? I wouldn't survive 48 hours here.  
'That's the reason why you should work at SGH. So Ellis can see you fail'

Hadn't she spoken of five rules? I was too afraid to ask.

"You said five rules. That was only four. " Cristina looked at her expectantly.

Suddenly, Dr. Baileys pager went off. "Rule number five: When I move, you move!"

* * *

"Richard I swear, this has nothing to do with you or Ellis!" I argued back. It was a lie. I wanted someone good who I could finally teach all my amazing abilities to. This woman is my only hope, none of these others will ever have as much potential as Ellis Grey's daughter.

"Derek, I don't care. I said no. Pick someone else," He looked at me with a serious face. Why was he being so protective?

"No Richard, It's my year to choose and I choose her, done deal," At this point, I was not backing down.

"No Derek, just drop it. I will not allow this," He warned.

"You can come and watch, you can see for yourself on how great she will do, now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get to a consult," I walked out of the office before he had a chance to say anything back. I went down to the ER.

"Hello Dr. Shepherd," some guy with shaggy brown hair, he looked like he didn't even belong anywhere near here, said coming up behind me.

"What is it?" I looked around for someone to tell me where the trauma is at.

"I am your intern for the day sir," I could tell how nervous he was by the way his eyes blinked constantly.

"Well of course, you can go get me a coffee, black, and will SOMEONE tell me where this trauma is?" I yelled and ones of the residents came to get me and brought me out to the ambulance bay. There was three interns standing by the short African American woman whom people call Bailey.  
'I think it's Bailey'

I recognized one of interns from this morning, the way she was quietly standing behind all of them, she was nervous about something and just something about her, part of me wanted to yell at her for spilling coffee on me but then there was a part of me that wanted to grab her and hold her, never letting go. She reminded me of a sick and lost puppy.  
'Stop it Derek'

"You two, go inside and do sutures," she pointed to the Asian one and the quiet girl and they both scurried off.

"What do you want me to do Dr. Bailey?" the blonde looked at her.

"You're on rectal exams, now scram Stevens before you're on it all week," She spat and the intern left.

The ambulance pulled up and they quickly got the doors open.

"What do we got?" I went straight to the girls side.

"Arianna Rodriguez, 18 year old female, left pupil is blown and she's tachycardia."

We went into trauma room one and the patient started to seize.

"Get her on her side!" I called and they helped me turn her.

"Is there any history on this patient?" I asked as she stopped seizing and we continued the normal work up.

"She said there was no drug or alcohol use in her recent history, said she was healthy,"

"We need to find her emergency contact and get a hold of them," Dr Bailey said and the one intern left ran off to go take that along with blood sample to the lab.

After we got all the test back, it showed brain bleed in the right side and we took her to do a craniotomy, we released the pressure and the surgery took 6 hours but she is fine now.

"Good save Dr Shepherd," Dr Bailey said as she scrubbed out along with me.

"It's always a good save, now I'm going to go tell an intern which one of them gets the first surgery," I threw the towel into the bin and walked out of the room and headed to the cafeteria.

* * *

It was hour eight. Forty more to go. It was our first break and we had fifteen minutes to eat and do anything we had to get done. We sat together at a table in the cafeteria and ate. Izzie was eying me skeptically.

"So, you're the daughter of Ellis Grey?" She sounded slightly jealous.

George's eyes widened. "The Ellis Grey? You're the stepdaughter of Dr. Webber? "

Why I couldn't disappear in the ground? I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded.

"Wow." Izzie said.

'No stupid comment?'

"Probably it's not easy for you." Said George understandingly and touched my arm gently.  
I immediately pulled back - now he thought that I was crazy.

I felt someone standing behind me, but I didn't turn around. "Good afternoon, interns. I'm Dr. Shepherd. It's posted, but I thought I'd share the good news personally. "  
No, my brain was playing tricks on me. He was not. That wasn't the man from this morning.  
Inwardly, I freaked out, but I forced myself to look at him. His blue eyes attracted me magically in its spell. He didn't look so angry as this morning.

I hold my breath - whom he would choose?  
'Please, don't choose me'  
He was eying all the interns. His gaze didn't stop on a specific person as I heard what he said my heart sank. It couldn't be.

Why me?

Was it because I am Ellis Grey's daughter?

There is no way this is fair to the others.

"Meredith Grey?" He said waiting for someone to answer as everyone's gaze dropped to me, including him. I felt like I could vomit but I just turned to face him and his face full of surprise.

'Did he not recognize me or know who I am?'

"I can't do it, Choose another intern," I said under my breath before turning back to my food.

"Excuse me?" He scoffed.

"You heard me," I bit my lip and closed my eyes. He stood for a second and then he laughed.

"You think I chose you because you're the chief's stepdaughter, right? Or is it you are to afraid to do it because you can't stand up to the talent of your mother? Have you even studied medicine?" He sounded amused.

Why was he so mean? If he was still mad for the coffee?  
I did nothing wrong! Anger rose in me - Of course I had studied medicine. Was he serious? "All Right. When does the surgery start?"

He looked surprised, but tried to cover it. "In an hour. Be well prepared. I am sure that the Chief is looking forward to your mistakes." With these words he disappeared.

I wouldn't make a single mistake, and that he would see. I had worked hard to get good grades. I couldn't understand why everyone thought that my life was that easy.  
They didn't know my mother, they didn't know me.

In the OR I'd do my best.  
'Forget Ellis, forget Richard. You can do it, you can do it Mer!'  
I said it like a mantra – over and over again, to calm me down, when I made my way to the OR.


	3. Chapter 3

"Alright Dr. Grey, Let's see what you can do," I could tell he was smiling through his mask as he came in, I went over the steps in my head over and over again. I waited until he got beside me, I could feel his breath on my neck. I was starting to get nervous.

"There's no way she can pull it off," I heard someone in the gallery say and I looked up. I took a deep breath.  
'Just Breathe Mer'

"Scalpel," I channeled the inner Grey and took control, sort of. I took the scalpel and slid it across the marks on the lower abdomen. Nothing.  
'Crap'

"Push harder Grey, or can you not even cut a guy's skin open?" He snickered and my blood started to boil. I pushed down harder with the scalpel and the skin came open.

"Pickups," I ordered and the nurse handed them to me. I held open the tissue as I cut through the rest of the abdominal muscles. The room was silent as I continued.

"Clamps," I grabbed them from the nurse and placed them where the large intestine and appendix met.

"I'm there," I smirked through my mask. I knew I could do it.

'Wow Grey," Dr Shepherd scoffed, "Farther than I thought you would make it, now can you actually remove it?"

I continued working, despite his scoffs that were completely annoying. like he had no faith in me at all.

"Scalpel," I asked and the nurse gave it to me. I cut the appendix out and one of the nurse held out a bin as I threw the appendix into the bin and it made a loud clank. I jumped a bit but continued my composure as I looked up, some people looked surprised, others looked upset, but George and Cristina looked proud and that was all I needed.

"Appendix is out," I said with a sigh of relief. It was almost over.

"Wow Grey, now all you have to do is invert the stump into the cecum and simultaneously pull up on the purse strings, or is that to hard for you?" He scoffed again. His scoffs were getting annoying.  
'Just one more... SHIT!'

Just as I got caught up into my thoughts, my hand slipped and I pulled too hard on one of the strings and they broke.

"Damn it, I thought you could do this!" Dr Shepherd yelled, "What are you suppose to do now?" He said in a hurry.

I couldn't move I was frozen, what do I do?  
'I knew you couldn't do it,' I heard my mother's voice seep through my thoughts then immediately I remembered what I had to do. I've seen my mother do this before, except she didn't rip the strings.

"What are you suppose to do now? You have a bleeder and the abdomen filling with stool," He said getting more anxious. He sounded as if he wanted and expected me to fail. I sat for a minute, trying to think of what exactly to do before I remembered.

"Suction," I said louder than I expected. One of the scrub nurse started to suction as I searched through and found the purse strings. I quickly re-stitched them and managed to stop the bleeding. I finished stitching up the patient and bandaged him up.

"Good job Grey," he said in a less enthusiastic tone. He was surprised - Hell I was surprised too. He walked out of the OR and started scrubbing out.

After I became aware that I had really done it, I was overcome by a feeling of happiness that I had never felt. In recent years I have felt nothing more than sadness, pain and uncertainty.

Of course, there were days when I had fun, but everything had changed since that one day.  
'Don't think about it. Be happy and enjoy it'

When Dr. Shepherd was gone, I started scrubbing out - if Ellis would be proud of me? At that moment it didn't matter. I, Meredith Grey had finished a successful surgery. I went to Cristina and George, who were waiting for me outside the scrub room.

"You kicked ass!" Cristina grinned.

"You did great, Meredith." George wanted to hug me, but I pulled back- hugs were scary. I didn't know, how to handle them.

The next four hours passed without major events. Bailey made me realize that she still hated me even though I had made a good surgery - I didn't care though, I felt good.  
'Dr. Meredith Grey '  
I would be a good surgeon, no matter what Ellis said.

As I stood hunched over a chart at the nurses station, and scribbled something into it, my pager went off - what did Richard wanted from me?  
'Maybe he wants to congratulate you on the successful surgery?'

I quickly wrote my notes, and made my way to Richard's office.  
Suddenly I saw Dr. Shepherd. As our eyes met, I had the feeling that he looked sad. Then, in less than a second, his glance was quite hard and impenetrable - as he wasn't able to show emotions.

He ran past me and disappeared around the corner.  
'For some reason he hates you'

Actually, I was sure that he would be pleased that I, despite my mistake in the OR, I coped the situation - but it seemed, as if it would have made him even more furious.  
'Why is he like that?'  
It couldn't be the coffee.

Carefully, I knocked on the door that led into Richard's office.

"Come in." I went in. Richard was sitting in front of me and smiled from ear to ear.

"Take a seat, Meredith." He said kindly.

I obeyed, and sat down on a chair across from him. "Why did you page me?" I was curious.

He squeezed my hand gently and said in a low voice. "Dr. Bailey told me about the surgery. I'm sorry that I could not be there. You were good, she said, and I know that. You are one of the best in this program."

These words drove tears of joy in my eyes - Richard had always been more interested in me than my own mother. "Thank you, Richard." I looked down. I didn't know, what to say.

"You stayed calm in a difficult situation and have reminded you of what you've learned. I'm so proud of you," He stood up and walked to the window, which showed the view of a cloudy sky - A typical day in Seattle.

The silence was broken by a loud noise - someone opened the door. "Good thing you're here! I'm so disappointed in you" Shouted Ellis angrily at me - what had I done?  
Richard looked at me helplessly. "Ellis, come in." He took off her jacket.

I didn't dare to look at her - I would never be good enough.

"An appendectomy, a simple surgery! You are a disgrace to me! Now everyone will know that my daughter is not able to take an appendix out."

From tears of joy, I cried tears of guilt - I was a worthless person.

"Ellis!" Hissed Richard. "Everyone is enthusiastic about Meredith." He wanted to hold her, but she pushed him away.

"Everyone is enthusiastic? I can't believe that. Dr. Shepherd has called me and told me, you've broken a string!" She was off the wall.

With a tear choked voice I replied. "I re-stitched them..the patient is alive! I did nothing wrong .." The last words I whispered.

"You did nothing wrong? You almost killed the patient! You're not a good surgeon Meredith. You should not be surprised when Richard throws you out of the program. Now get out of my sight. "

"Meredith" Richard came up to me, but I opened the door and ran away - I should have known. I would never be good.  
'You're a disgrace. You are not worth anything '  
At that time, he probably thought the same.

* * *

"Thank you Ellis, I just thought you should hear it from me," I sighed through the phone.

"Oh no, thank you Dr. Shepherd, you did the right thing, goodbye," I could hear the disappointment in her voice as she hung up the phone. A part of me didn't even want to tell her but my impulse made me, she should know. I felt my pager go off, I looked down and saw who it was, Richard. I turned it off and made my way up to his office.

"Derek, come in," he motioned inward as I came in.

"If this is about Dr. Grey, then I don't need to hear it," I sat down in the chair, adjusting my coat.

"Derek, this is of course about Dr. Grey, I told you not to let her do the surgery but you disobeyed my orders," he spat angerly. I didn't understand why he was angry because she made it though unlike most people.

"She passed, you know most interns fail during that surgery but she didn't," I stood up and walked back toward the window and glanced out at the gloomy sky.

"I knew she wouldn't, she is just like her mother. She is probably the one who shows the most promise in this years interns but you don't get to push her, that is the last thing she needs," he sounded bitter, like there was something wrong with her.

"I don't understand, why would she become a surgeon if she didn't want the pressure?" I looked confused at him, he made no sense.

"Derek, it doesn't not concern you, just back off of her, you of all people should understand the need for..." was all he got out before there was a knock on the door and it opened, appeared Meredith.

"Come in Meredith," Richard said and I watched her, I felt the guilt inside me rise up before I quickly pushed it back down and walked out of the office. I made my way to the nurses station where Mark was standing filling out charts.

"Hey Derek," Mark looked up briefly.

"Hey, these interns are terrible," I scoff and he stops and looks up at me.

"Or maybe you are just being an ass," He informs me.

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?"

"That means not to treat them like they are incapable of doing anything, they spent four years in medical school and it's our job to teach them," Mark turned and looked at me.

"What the hell are you talk about, I have no problems with interns, I just don't trust they are capable to save lives yet," I spat back at him.

"Then what was that in the OR earlier, the intern saved that persons life and you act like she killed the guy," he answered back.

"That was luck and she needs to learn how to do one of the most basic procedures."

"Look, I know just because and intern was working on Rebecca you think-" I cut him off before he continued.

"This has nothing to do with Rebecca, do not mention her again, do you understand me," I spat, rage came through my body.

"Sorry man, it's been five years and I have no idea what it's like for you but you need to leave that in the past, just don't do anything you will regret," Mark said calmly.

"I know your trying to help but you aren't, and I'm fine, I'll try is all I can say, I'm going home," I walked off before he had a chance to say anything.  
'None of this was about Rebecca, I don't understand why he would think that.'

I walk back to my office and start changing into my shirt and jeans, I start thinking about her.  
'Why the hell did Mark have to say anything.'

After I finish getting dressed, there is a knock on my door and it's opened by a squealing little girl.

"Uncle Derek!" The little girl exclaims as she runs in, barreling toward me. Her red hair bounces as she is running.

"Grace," I smile as I lift her into my arms. Her blue eyes stare into mine as she smiles. Somehow she can always seem to make my day better.

"Where is your mom?" I ask and she shrugs.

"She was behind me, den she was talking to daddy so I came to see you," she has her arms around my neck as she begins talking about daycare.

"There you are!" Addison smiles as she comes into my office after a minute.

"Hi mommy, Uncle Derek said I can go home with him," she then looks up into my eyes.

"Oh Grace, I never said that," I laugh as the she tries to convince her mom.

"Well you can't go home with Uncle Derek because you have gymnastics, remember?" Addison reminds her.

"But, Uncle Derek can take me," she bats her eyelashes at her mom.

"No Grace, maybe this weekend you can go spend the night with uncle Derek," Addison says.

"Here, how about Friday, I come and pick you up from daycare and we spend the day together and you can come stay the night at my house?" I ask and her eyes light up.

"Can he do that mommy, please?" She begs.

"Sure, now we got to get going, Tell uncle Derek bye," Addison sighs.

"Bye Uncle Derek," She kisses my cheek and giggles as I put her down.

"Bye Grace, see you later," I wave as she leaves. That little girl can always seem to brighten my day. I grab my phone and things before going out the door and locking my office back. I climb into my truck and drive across the street to the bar. The place is already packed as I make my way to the bar.

"Hey Joe," I sit down on the bar stool.

"Hey Doc, the usual?" He asks and I nod.


	4. Chapter 4

**Don't trust anyone**  
**you will regret it!**

**I have to trust**  
**otherwise I am alone**  
**with all my fears**  
**and concerns.**

**At the end, there's just one person, who earns my trust.**

**I have no pride**  
**I miss the freedom**  
**I have no words.**

**You destroyed me**

* * *

It's dark outside, the moon shines bright and dives everything in a diffuse light.  
His steps are drowned out by the loud music - the party is still in full swing, which is not surprising.  
The night is young, everyone has fun. Through the slightly opened window, I can hear happy voices.  
I enjoy the solitude, I need some time to myself.  
Suddenly the door opens, and he stumbles into my room.

"Are you asleep?" His breath smells like alcohol.

I grab the blanket that lays beside me, and cover my body with it. Somehow I feel uncomfortable.

"Hello?" His face is slightly red, and he sits down next to me. "I asked you a question."

Why I haven't told him that he shouldn't drink too much? "I'm still awake." I whisper softly.

"That's good." He grins at me. It is not the smile which I know and love, it scares me. He looks like a cat that is about to catch its prey.

I curl into a ball and stare at the wall. I act, as if I would fall asleep.

"Oh no." He whispers in my ear. "Today, I get what I want."

I swallow. He doesn't mean, what I think?

Without warning, he pulls the blanket off and throws it on the floor. I lie there, dressed only in shorts and a top. The gentle breeze let  
me shiver. I don't move. I'm just waiting.  
Someone turns the music louder. The voices I've heard before, are silent. The only thing I can clearly hear, is my irregular breathing.  
I'm not ready.

"Relax." He pants. "You'll like it."

I shake my head to tell him, that I can't do it yet. I wish I could tell him, but no words are coming out of my mouth.

"You don't want to relax?" He looks at me angrily. "Up to you."

He grabs my shoulders and turns me hard on my back.  
"Stop." I whimper. That is all I can say at this moment.

"Trust me." I want to tear myself away from him, but he grabs my wrists and holds them above my head. "Don't move. Don't tell me, that you don't like it." He kisses my neck and slids his free hand under my top to my breasts.  
I'm not wearing a bra, so there's no more material in the way.  
He digs his fingernails deep into my flesh. I suck in a sharp breath. Why does he hurt me?

I kick my feet, to get away from him. He scares me. What is he going to do? Tears are burning in my eyes. I'm trying to get my hands out of his grasp.

His eyes narrows to slits. "Stop it!" He let go of my wrists and hits me hard in the face, so that my head rolls to the side. I have no more control. I  
feel weak and alone.  
"I won't hurt you. But if you keep moving, I have no choice. "He looks at me sadly.  
I just nod and close my eyes. The tears fall, but I'm dumb.

"Dr. Grey!" Someone shook me.

"No, no, no!" I raised my hands to push the person away. "I can't." I whimpered. Why it didn't stop?

"You have to wake up." The person didn't stop to shake me.

I was afraid to open my eyes. Hot tears flowed down my cheeks - I could hardly breathe. "Please..don't." I begged.  
When I finally opened my eyes, I realized that I was in an on call room.

"Is everything ok?"  
'What's he doing here?'  
I had not expected to look into the worried eyes of Dr. Shepherd.? What did he want from me?  
'Perhaps you've done something wrong, and he was looking for you, to yell at you?'

I turned on my side so that I didn't have to look into his blue eyes. "I'm fine." I muttered quietly.  
'stop crying'

He laughed harshly. "Don't lie to me. I don't know any person, who cries, when she's okay. "

Anger rose up in me. He had called Ellis and told her about the surgery. He was responsible for ensuring that my mother hated me even more and was mad at me. He had made sure that I felt so bad. And then he had the balls to tell me, how I felt? Seriously?

I swallowed my tears and turned to him. "I'm fine." I hissed.  
Why had he found me in this moment?  
'You shouldn't have slept'  
I decided not to sleep during work. These nightmares I had almost every night, drove me out of my mind.

He pulled me out of my thoughts. "Those dreams...do you have them often?" He wanted to know.

I didn't want to talk about my nightmares, I just wanted to forget them.  
'Only dreams, Meredith. Don't let them destroy your life'  
He should leave me alone with this issue. "No."

"Hmm." He walked toward the door. "I just wanted to tell you, that you're scrubbing in with Dr. Sloan and I." When I looked into his eyes, the cold look was back.  
What had I done wrong?

"Oh." My body was still shaking.

He shook his head and looked at me for several minutes. Somehow I had the feeling that he was angry and sad - but why?  
"I want to see you in half an hour in Mrs. Parkers room." He closed the door loudly behind him.

If I had enough time, I would have gone to Cristina - I felt the need to talk to someone about it.  
'Someone? You've only her'  
That was true. A life without Cristina was unimaginable for me. She was the only one who knew the truth, and the only one who would ever know.

* * *

"Have you seen Dr. Grey?" I ask the nurse standing by the nurse's station.

"I haven't, sorry Dr. Shepherd," The nurse said quietly, I was certain most of the nurses were scared of me, I still haven't figured out completely why.

"Thanks," I nodded walking off. Passing one of the on-call rooms, I heard a cry and I quickly figured out which one and went inside. My insides felt sick, it reminded me of how Mark said I was in the beginning after the accident.  
'Was this really what I was like?' I questioned, watching the person lay there, shaking in fear. Soon I noticed that it was Dr Grey. I decided to wake up her, I slightly shook her.

"Dr. Grey," I whispered as I shook her lightly, I tried to hide the fear in my eyes as I shook her awake.

"No. No. No!" she whimpered, trying to push me away but I wouldn't let her.

"Dr. Grey, you have to wake up," I said again, continuing to shake her gently.

"Please don't," she begged and my heart began to break. Tears fell from closed eyes and when she finally opened them, her eyes looked as if she had just been awaken by a monster.  
'What could have happened to her to cause her such pain and nightmares?'

"Is everything alright?" I questioned, knowing something was seriously wrong.

She turned to her side, facing the wall, "I'm fine," she whispered.

I laughed, not intentionally, "Don't lie to me. I don't know any person, who cries, when she's okay."

She quickly sat up and looked at me, she was angry and my face quickly returned to the natural blank stare as her tears had stopped.

"I said I am fine!" She hissed, seeming as if she didn't want anything to help her and I wasn't just going to leave her helpless.

"Those dreams... do you have them often?" I asked after she had been silent for a minute.

She shook her head, "No."

I nodded, knowing she was lying. A part of me wanted to help her but I couldn't, I couldn't be involved with another woman, especially an intern. I walked to the door and turned to look at her, "I just wanted to tell you, that you're scrubbing in with Dr. Sloan and I."

"Oh..." I watched as her body still shook from fear.

I shook my head, watching another person suffer like that was terrifying, and extremely sad. I remembered how down I was at that point in my life and how I felt, knowing that one day she will get help, "I want to see you in half an hour in Mrs. Parkers room."

I turned and left the room, leaving her there to think. Maybe now that she knows someone else may find out, she will get help... hopefully.

* * *

With hasty steps, I went to the nurses' station and asked for the chart.  
"Only 15 minutes." I grumbled.  
I knew my luck. My day would end badly. Dr. Shepherd hated me. But maybe I could show Dr. Sloan, that I was good.  
I made up my mind to give my best. When I made no mistake this time, then Ellis would perhaps rejoice, and show me some credit. Finally, I was a surgeon.  
'And you're a good surgeon'  
The distraction was good for me. I pushed the thoughts of the nightmare away and read the chart.  
When I entered the room, Dr. Sloan and Dr. Shepherd were already there.

"Um. Hi. "I said carefully, and stood at the end of the bed of Mrs. Parker.

"You're late, Dr. Grey." There it was again, the evil eye.

"Derek." Dr. Sloan looked at him annoyed. "Enough. We should prepare Mrs. Parker for the surgery."

He nodded. "She probably didn't read the chart."  
'Should I yell at him?'  
I was glad that the hearing of our patient was not all too well. "I read it, Dr. Shepherd." Actually, I wanted to sound confident, but I felt powerless.

"What?" He asked a little louder. "I did not hear you."

"Derek, that is enough." Dr. Sloan warned him.

"I." I wanted to speak, but he interrupted me with a brief gesture.

"Sorry." He whispered now. "She has a headache, what you should know, if you had read the chart. Maybe we should all take a lesson from you, and talk as  
quietly as you? "He nodded. "Yes, that's a good idea. Just that when you speak so softly she can't hear you. So, can you speak a little louder? Or is that too much for you? Are you too tired?"  
He was now very close to me. Instinctively I stepped back a few steps and began.

"Emily Parker, 38, complained of hearing loss in the left ear, headaches and dizziness. The MRI has shown that an acoustic neuroma has formed, which has the size of 3.5 cm x 4cm. Due to the fact that the brain stem has been moved to the right, the only way to remove the tumor, is to operate it. " With every word my voice became a little louder.

"Right." Said Dr. Sloan in a whisper and he smiled kindly at me.

"Do you have any questions, Mrs. Parker?" I whispered, as they told me I should to help her headache.

"You're operating with them, right?" She looked at me intently.

"Um..Yes." I played with my watch.

"If something goes wrong." A tear felt down. "Tell my husband and my son that I love them. Jason turned five yesterday. "She smiled sadly.  
"If there are complications, it's ok. If I don't make it, please tell them, promise?"

Why was life just so unfair?  
'Don't lose your self-control'

I cleared my throat. Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Sloan looked at me expectantly. "I promise, Emily." I took her hand and squeezed it gently. "We will do our best."  
She had to make it. Her time couldn't be over.

Without saying a word, Dr. Shepherd left the room.

"Please prep Mrs. Parker for surgery." Dr. Sloan said, leaving after Dr. Shepherd.

* * *

**An; So now you have a tiny bit of incite into what is going on with Meredith, next chapter will answer a few questions about Derek and what is wrong with him. Lola and I would like to thank each and every one of you kind people who leave sweet comments and really inspire us to keep writing! **


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